Note from God — Dear Kathy,

Monday,  June 20, 2016

In my last post, I pleaded with God to make it STOP — that is, my present situation with dental work (torture!).  I had faith. I trusted Her…

As I mentioned, I went to the dentist to redo the process, hopefully ending in a FINAL visit. When we were done, I was thrilled. “It’s so much better,” I told my DDS.  Relieved and happy with the result, I hugged him, and headed for home.

During dinner, I noticed that it was still difficult to chew. It’ll get better I convinced myself. The bad news is, it didn’t — get better.  In fact, I was right back to a higher level of being uncomfortable. The good news is that I wasn’t in pain. But, being uncomfortable on such an elevated level is NOT fun. By the way, have I told you —I AM DIABETIC, and I DO have to eat. Ugh.

Dental work stinks, at least in my opinion! My friends keep asking, “Are you in pain?” I reply in the negative, and watch as they look at me like I’m nuts. Maybe I am, nuts that is. I refuse to list my dental discomfort as painful — I know what REAL pain is and this isn’t it (Trust me). I do tend to minimize, but I know what I’m feeling.

I began my Dental Journey on April 20 — today is June 20!!! That’s long enough. Frustration has risen and fallen throughout these two months. At the beginning, I asked how long it would take until I felt like myself again.  My dentist proclaimed — 6 weeks!

 

I wasn’t thrilled, but I knew I had no choice.  Just bite the bullet, I told myself. (Later, I learned that “bite” was the operative word.}

Nonetheless, a constant feeling of uncomfortablity is a nightmare.  My mouth feels like it’s full of marbles, my bite is off, and damn it — I can’t chew! Thinking positively, I went to bed convinced that when I woke up, all would be well.  As the sun rose, my mouth felt huge. It’s just not right. Remaining in bed, I thought back to my plea (in my last post). Thoughts of a reprieve wandered through my head. God, I thought, didn’t you hear me! I pleaded, pleaded! You know I don’t do that often. What’s the problem? This shouldn’t be a big deal. Help me out, I screamed at Her.    Silence.

I gave up, took my blood sugar, and went down to the kitchen for breakfast — thrilling concept. With tears in my eyes, I wrote myself a note to call my DDS for another appointment. I noticed an envelope on the counter. KATHY was written on it, in large, bold letters. Hmmm. Skeptically, I opened it. I didn’t recognize the handwriting, but here’s what it said:  Dear Kathy,    I heard your plea, and I know that you want this dental dilemma to stop. I understand how you feel.  I love to say YES to your requests, but this time my answer has to be NOT YET!  Remember that you’ve gone through much worse situations and came out better for it on the other side. You’ve always learned the “lessons.” Be patient.   Love, God

“WHAT? SHE left me a damn note!” I said aloud.  “Be patient!!!”  

I put the letter back on the counter and began to prepare my breakfast. I started to giggle, and laugh, and then roaring with laughter, I thought, That God, SHE’s got quite a sense of humor.

I put my dishes into the dishwasher and glanced at the clock — 7:45 a.m. — One hour and fifteen minutes until my dentist’s office opens, and I can schedule an appointment.  Be patient,  p a t i  e  n t,  patience,  were the words that flew through my mind. As I went back upstairs, I started to laugh! “PATIENCE.” that’s the lesson!

C’mon, God!    🙂

 

 

Reassessing Acceptance

Second Post for Jan. 28th, 2016

So, I’ve been contemplating whether or not I REALLY accept the “fact” that I have diabetes, OR am I in denial?  Hmmm.  I thought I had this down pat.

I remember well, when I accepted that I had this disease and that I could manage it, and that it wouldn’t be a big deal. Doing EVERYTHING right, I called myself the “poster person for diabetes.” But that didn’t happen until I went through many stages, some of which I’ll mention.  These are all very normal and typical, but that doesn’t mean it’s easy.

The anger, (This is crap! Why me?). I actually ate AT the diabetes. (While stuffing cake and cookies down my throat, I remember thinking,  I’ll show you!)  Needless to say, that didn’t work out well.

The bargaining (O.K., so maybe I have it.  I’ll just cut down on the carbs, and I’ll be off the hook.  I’ll be fine.  C’mon God, work with me.).

The denial stage is wicked (NOT ME; NO WAY! NO, NO, No!  The lab made a mistake.) …and the beat went on and on and on, until FINALLY — ACCEPTANCE!

WHY then, after all this time, am I floundering, doubting? Why is acceptance even an issue or something that I would be discussing, at this point?

Simple. What I didn’t realize was that because you HAVE acceptance, does NOT mean you’ll keep it!  Acceptance, it seems, is fragile. If I’m not as vigilant as I should be, acceptance can slip away.

Over the years, I’ve learned the importance of education in relation to diabetes. I spent a great deal of time today reading about diabetes.  I have LOTS of what I refer to as “spiritual reading,” on the topic.  🙂    Books — TONS of them.  Article, after article (including the ones noted, via the links on this page).  It helped. It clarified what I already knew, and brought it right to the front of my mind where it belongs. The information is important, it’s a tool, sometimes a weapon, to defend my health. If you are struggling, I highly recommend going back to the resources that you have. Read, read, read.

I know, we all know, that we have to keep our diabetes management right at the forefront of our minds.  I HAS to be the most important thought that enters my head.

Are you familiar with Steve Harvey?  I’ve read his books, and I love his positive attitude. Today, I heard him say, “Inch by inch, everything’s a cinch!”  Isn’t that the truth?  One step at a time, one meal at a time, one day at a time.

** Now that I’ve “reassessed” whether or not I really have diabetes, I’m laughing at myself.  How absurd! Of course I do. But, trust me, that denial just creeps in when you least expect it.  BE AWARE!

Moving on — tomorrow will be another Day #1!

“Slipped” on the ice…

O.K., maybe not on the ice.  I “slipped” on some cookies  😦

I went to the doctor for my 3-month Diabetes checkup today.  Everything was great. No surprise to me — I’ve been eating correctly, monitoring my blood sugar, and walking.  Things have been looking up!  She was happy, I was happy.

So, why is it that when I went to the store to get ice melt (FREEZING here in the northeast),  I came out with JUNK?  Why, why, why?  AND, why didn’t I take out my Grapefruit Oil and smell it, in an effort to avoid the craving.  WHY?????

UGH, SO frustrating.

Driving home, I never gave a thought as to what I’d purchased.  When I started to put the items away, that’s when the realization smacked me RIGHT IN THE FACE!  I was really upset and disappointed in myself.  But evidently, not enough to toss the cookies and those cheddar crackers that I like so much into the garbage.  Nope — I had 4 — count ’em, 4 chocolate chip cookies and a small bowl of the crackers.  Truth? They tasted great!  That was around three o’clock. By 4, the carb coma took over, and I had a “nap.”   When I woke up, dinner time was approaching, and naturally I wasn’t hungry. The rest of the night brought misery — you know the deal.  Remorse, embarrassment, anger, blah, blah, blah.

“Get a grip, Kathy!” I yelled at myself.  That’s when I tossed “Satan’s food” into the garbage.  Guilt:  “There are people starving in this world, and you’re throwing out food?” Phrases such as this ran through my head.  Thankfully, my answer was a resounding YES!  Guilt is a wasted emotion, negative and hurtful. There’s no positive purpose in feeling guilty. I’m over it!

It’s kind of interesting how the brain works.  I seem to crave sugar if I’m down, bored, hungry; but also, when I’m “up,” — like today.  I was happy that all was well in my diabetes realm, so I guess I let my guard down.  Lesson Learned!

It’s 11 p.m. now, and I’ll be going to bed soon with the knowledge that tomorrow will be another Day One.  I’ll get up, eat breakfast, go to the mall — and walk, walk, walk. The good news is that I’m confident that tomorrow will be a good day.  I’ve already written two post-its that I’m going to put on the dashboard of my car.  One is a reminder; it simply says, GRAPEFRUIT! to remind me not to “slip,” and to use the tools I have.  Written on the other post-it is one word:  NO! Also, a simple reminder.

At the end of each day, I reflect on what took place during the course of my day that was positive and what was negative.  I’ll review my “slip,” learn from it, and then I’ll let it go. Tomorrow’s another day in the life of this dedicated diabetic, and it’s going to be a GOOD one.

 

WOW!

Sometimes I’m just not “good at this.”

I’ve been on the roller coaster ride that can be DIABETES!  For the last week, I’ve been plagued with cravings. It started last Tuesday when I decided to join a friend for lunch in a diner.  I asked for a to-go box and immediately put half of my food in it for later or for the next day.  Good start, right? 🙂

We had a great lunch. Talked and talked — solving the problems of the world.  🙂

And then it happened.  The waiter approached us and asked if we’d like dessert.  Almost ALWAYS I say, “no thank you.”  So what caused me to cave on this day?   😦   I asked him what the selection was, but that wasn’t good enough. I had to go over to the cases wherein the delectable delights resided. As usual, they were screaming — “Kathy, pick me, pick me!”  After a process of elimination, I chose a mile-high chocolate cream pie.  Oh, the absurdity.  I almost took a picture of the pie, when I realized that I was elevating it to deity status!  Definitely going over the edge, I considered taking another dessert home for later.  Ugh.  I didn’t do it.

I ate every morsel of that pie and on the way home allowed remorse to seep into my being. By the time I pulled into my driveway, I was miserable. After an hour, I started to feel sick — nauseous.  WHY did I do that to myself?  It never fails. Each and every time I make a BAD decision, regarding food, I slip into an abyss of misery.  The rest of that day was a waste. I couldn’t think of anything positive to do to reclaim my happiness. I was too busy feeling sorry for myself.

Wednesday morning, I got up bright and early and walked.  THIS will be a good day.  The bank, the Post Office, food shopping took up my morning.  I only had half an hour before yoga, so NO time for lunch. I’ll eat later; that’ll be fine.  DUCK!  Here it comes — driving to my yoga class, I pulled into a 7-11 and purchased a really healthy snack — not one, TWO candy bars!  I downed them in the true fashion of a sugar addict — FAST!

Fifteen minutes later, I pulled into the parking lot of Absolute Yoga in Woodbury for my class, feeling angry with myself.  Really disgusted.  I confessed my “downfall” to my teacher.  She’s terrific, and we talked about it.  I KNOW every single thing she mentioned, but was unable to put it into practice at that time.  The good news is that our conversation, coupled with a great session of yoga, put me back on track.

Trust me — it hasn’t been easy.  The cravings are still torturing me, but I have more strength, for now — one day at a time.  My refrigerator is stocked, so that when a craving strikes, I have sugar-free Jello on hand, along with fruit and nuts.  I’m ready!  Also, walking in the morning is helping to start off the day on good footing.

The CURE for self-pity is gratitude.  I have so much to be grateful for — I have Type 2 Diabetes; BIG DEAL!  It could be a LOT worse, and I’m grateful that it’s not.

I’m DEDICATED to winning each battle and to have a good and healthy life.

COMMITTED — one day at a time!