Remorse — Back to Journaling

I’m annoyed.  Really annoyed.    😦

I decided tonight that I need to go back to writing down every morsel that goes into the cavernous orifice that I call my mouth.  I guess I’m frustrated. We all have those days, right?

I just can’t seem to get and stay on track.  Just when I think I’m on a roll (not eating a roll,  just “on” one),  monitoring my blood sugar,  eating correctly,  walking,  blah, blah, blah,  I make a stupid decision.  Like today.  I went to a diner with a friend.  It was 2:30 and this” brilliant, dedicated diabetic”  still hadn’t eaten lunch.  Bad move.  REALLY bad move.

So, into the diner we ran — ravenous.  I perused the menu, but I don’t know why I bothered, because as soon as the waiter came to take our order, I blurted out, “I’ll have a cheeseburger deluxe!”  Great move, Kathy.  What happened to the salads you were looking at?  Immediately, instantly, in a flash of misjudgment, I plunged off the wagon!  An hour later I was disgusted with myself.  The good news is, I didn’t eat it all but, no excuses, it was a BAD move.

The Road to  Accountability

While wallowing in my pond of remorse, I realized that I had to start journaling/charting my food again.  It’s good for me, because it keeps me “honest.”  When I know I have to put into writing what I put into my mouth, I make better decisions.  BITE IT, WRITE IT, as the saying goes. I REALLY don’t want to be bothered — but, I’m going to do it.

I just took out yet another journal into which I will keep track of what I’m eating.  This time, I’m going to add a column and write in the times that  I’m walking and for how long.

Walking “gear”

Putting on my SNEAKERS any my “Big Girl Pants” and moving forward!

Wish me luck.  Please.

Be On Guard!

The other day I completed a ton of chores and on the way home I decided to stop at the deli.  I love their Light Vegi Tuna (very little mayo; perfect for lunch).  Of course, there was a line, so I focused on what I was getting — nothing else.

As I waited on line, my eyes wandered into a basket of homemade baked goods.  A brownie topped by the crumbs of a crumb cake, drenched in confectioners sugar, caught my eye.  Interesting.  Seriously, I’ve never see that before.  My “crazy self” screamed, Buy it — try it — one isn’t going to kill you.  Along came the guy with my tuna.  “Anything else, ma’am?”  “No thanks, I’m good,” came out of my mouth.  And then, my hand inched its way over to the basket of goodies.  “Wait, I’ll take one of these.” Money exchanged hands — similar to a drug deal…  I took my small bag and drove home, not giving a thought to what I’d just done.

Once in the house, I removed the tuna and the brownie/crumb cake from the brown paper bag.  I still can’t believe what I did.  I put the tuna in the refrigerator and the brownie on a plate.  I sat down at my dining room table, read the newspaper, and ate the brownie. When I was done, I looked up, much like an alcoholic coming out of a stupor, and thought, What did I do?  It was pretty amazing.  I don’t even LIKE crumb cake, and frankly, I couldn’t tell you what the brownie tasted like.  I paid no attention while I was eating. I likened myself to an alcoholic in a blackout, I barely remembered eating it — I swear, it was really strange. I felt awful; remorse took over.  I yelled at myself, vowing never to let my guard down again. Physically, I felt like garbage, not unlike the junk I had ingested.  All this over a brownie! I took a nap. 

Hindsight is a great thing.  I knew better, but I did it anyway.  I went into that deli hungry — bad decision. I let my guard down. When it comes to food, I realize that I need structure. Planning is the key to success, and I certainly didn’t do it that day. For the most part, my failures regarding my diabetes regimen are centered around a lack of planning.

O.K., I lost that battle, but NOT the war.  So, moving forward, get out that LIST, Kathy, and PLAN.  Breakfast, lunch, dinner, and snacks. One day at a time!